Why Do Men Need To Seeking Validation From Others

By | Last Updated: 21 October 2022

Seeking Validation from others; it is right or wrong and what do we do instead. And what is seeking validation look like. Where does this need come from and what can I do to stop taking validation.

One of the deepest insecurities and the surface level questions we ask ourselves is;

"Am I Enough? Do I have what it takes to be a Man."

This is the deepest validation a Man keeps asking himself, and to me, till this day, I seek to hear this.

Our need for validation, starts very early in our childhood starts with the following;

  1. First, when we are told not to do something from our parents as a toddler. 
  2. Then, when we accidentally assess risk - hot & cold, fire, current, slip, the first time you drown, rejection, ridicule, nasty comments, body shaming, got beaten, sarcasm, over discipline, schooling gone wrong, peer comparison, material possessions of others, wanting to have more, having less of something. advertisements, social media, mistakes, losing money, failure, loss of family member, grief, fear, guilt & shame.

What does it mean 'seeking validation from others'?

Seeking validation means we are taking our clarity of the right or wrong choice, and not trusting our own discernment to make that call.

As soon as we give away our power to make a clear decision; it's like handing your power over to someone else. And this is one of the reasons why most men or women choose to stay in an abusive or toxic relationship because they are not willing to be honest with themselves, and ask the hard questions.

Because as long as we are seeking validation from others and their opinions, we are not being true to ourselves. By seeking validation from others, and their opinions, we are telling them that "we" don't know what is best for us.

That we are not confident in ourselves, our abilities, our choices, our decisions, and our life. That we are looking for approval and acceptance by others. We do not trust ourselves.

Why do men need to seek validation from others?

I am a firm believer that no one's opinion matters except your own. It's time to stop seeking validation from others, especially women. Seeking validation from others is destructive, childish, and weak. 

Validation seeking is a woman's way of getting attention. When men seek validation from women it ultimately leads to frustration, anger, and resentment. The reason why men don't leave unsatisfactory relationships is because they are seeking validation from the woman.

The need for external validation is often mistaken as love and affection. People who seek validation from others are doing so because they don't believe in themselves. For the longest time I was seeking validation from women.

Everywhere I went, I always had this little voice in the back of my head telling me whether I was good enough or not. If I ever got a ton of attention from a woman, it was like a drug. I would get a high from the attention I was getting and would serve by self doubt.

Do we need validation from others?

The Fact is you may not need validation for every area of your life, but there could be some areas of your life that surely makes you ask for validation. And for some others, constant validation is the motto.

You don’t ask strangers for validation. You only ask for to people you know, your friends, family and the communities you belong to.

And asking validation can be formal and informal, internal & external.

  • Formal Validation: when you ask validation from the boss or an authority.
  • Informal Validation: when you ask validation from your friends and family.
  • Internal Validation: Is your intuition about how you feel what to do (also influenced with other factors like knowledge, expertise, fear, emotions, etc.)

Where should I use Internal Validation?

You should seek Internal Validation whenever you need it! Whether you're feeling happy, sad, or somewhere in between, Internal Validation can help you feel better and more confident.

If you are a person with Mood swings, it's better to journal when you are in a good mood, and write down all the questions that bother you whenever it strikes you. So you don't validate any question when you mood isn't right, but when you are in a good mood, you will find answers for most questions, and can strike out the unwanted questions.

Confirmation Bias

Now the problem with internal validation is that you might land in a confirmation bias. Confirmation bias happens when you seek facts through the lens of your beliefs and confirm the facts based on your belief to be right. It's a mere mistake, but if the mistake takes a huge toll on your future, it's better to seek expert advice.

External Validation: Is what you seek validation from others. It helps in acknowledging your strengths and emotions in the form of acknowledgement, compliment & well wishes.

Where should I seek External Validation & Why?

You need a healthy amount of external validation for your mental well-being, but how much is too much? You have to choose, if you should ask for advice or validation.

Sometimes, asking people an advice can sound better than a validation, because asking an advice puts them on an expert panel and usually people don't mind giving the best advice.

External Validation should not sound like a dumb question. You could also put it a situational question with few options. For e.g. considering an appropriate attire for the party and asking it as a situational question can sould like "Given that the party is at xyz place, and the ambience and the crowd is abc, would be better to go for black or green". Sounds right!

If you are a person with a situation where you need to be dependent on someone for validation, choose wisely a choice of people within your family and friends, and ask for help, since your external validation should not piss them off.

Some people go great extent for validation, by doing things that may not excite them, or risking their time and money to impress others, buying material possession to show off. As they might have to spend time with you often to help you.

Problem with External Validation

External validation is a huge problem! We need to find a way to fix it! 

  • You will have to act in ways others feel appropriate.
  • This can lead to unhappiness, anxiety and confusion.
  • Your own judgement may be right and still you will make mistakes
  • You may feel to act in your own way, but you will lose courage to do it.
  • Too much of external validation can lead to depression.
  • You may act in ways to get others to validate you, whether it's by being funny, charming, or smart. I think that's what we're taught growing up. You act a certain way, and you'll get a reward.
  • If you're smart, you'll get praise. If you're funny, you'll be popular. If you're charming, you'll get the girl.
  • But I have a problem with this type of validation. It's short-lived.
  • Anytime someone praises you or criticizes you, it comes from their own point of view. And their perception of you is not the same as your perception of you. 

Does seeking validation from others while in a relationship okay?

It's okay to seek validation from others while in a relationship, but it's important to be aware of why you're doing it. If you're constantly seeking validation from your partner, it may be a sign that you're not confident in the relationship. However, if you're seeking validation from others in order to feel good about yourself, that's okay. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what's best for you and your relationship.

Seeking Validation From Men

Seeking male validation is common for woman, and is often considered normal for Men. This only happens in marriage and love, and generally there is not much of a problem, unless the validation game starts a conflict of interest.

Seeking Validation From Women

Seeking female validation for husbands is not so common. However, if both partners are working and high profile individuals, they share a healthy validation for each other. But if the husband is in an inferior position then he would certainly seek validation from his woman. Men who doesn't have enough of intimacy can use people pleasing options with his wife and this can lead to validation from his woman. 

Why am i seeking validation from others?

It's not uncommon for people to seek validation from others, especially in close relationships. However, it can become a problem if you're constantly needing reassurance from your partner and are never satisfied with the level of support you receive. If you find yourself constantly seeking validation, it might be worth exploring what underlying insecurity or need is driving that behavior.

Is seeking validation bad?

There's nothing inherently bad about seeking validation from others. However, it can become a problem if you're constantly seeking approval from others and never feel good enough on your own. In that case, it's important to learn to validate yourself so that you don't rely too heavily on others for validation.

When you seek approval from others, it's important to remember that everyone has different standards and opinions. What matters most is your own opinion of yourself. If you're happy with who you are and what you're doing, then that's all that should matter.

What is a validation question?

A validation question is a question that is used to test whether something is true or not. For example, you might ask a friend if they think your new outfit looks good on you as a way of validating whether or not it looks good. Validation questions can be helpful in making decisions, but they can also be used to manipulate and control others.

What happens when you stop seeking validation?

When you stop seeking validation, you become more confident and self-assured. You no longer feel the need to constantly seek approval from others and instead trust your own judgement. This can lead to greater success and happiness in life as you are not held back by other people's opinions.

How to not need others validation?

The best way to not need others validation is to learn to validate yourself. This means learning to accept yourself for who you are, even if you make mistakes. It also means setting your own standards and measuring yourself against them, rather than comparing yourself to others. When you can do this, you'll find that you don't need others to tell you that you're good enough - you'll already know it.

What does it mean when you need validation from others?

Validation from others can mean different things for different people. For some, it may mean needing reassurance that they are on the right track in life or that their decisions are good ones. For others, it may mean needing approval from others in order to feel good about themselves. Whatever the case may be, needing validation from others is usually a sign that someone is lacking self-confidence or self-esteem.

When should you not seek validation from others?

There are a few situations when it's not a good idea to seek validation from others. If you're constantly seeking validation, it can be a sign of low self-esteem. Also, if you're seeking validation for things that are important to you, but that others may not understand or care about, you're likely to be disappointed.

Examples of seeking validation

There are many ways that people seek validation. Some people may try to seek validation from others by seeking approval or attention. Others may try to seek validation through their achievements or possessions. Still others may try to seek validation by putting themselves in positions of power or influence. Ultimately, though, everyone is seeking validation in some way or another.

Effects of Seeking Validation

There are both positive and negative effects of seeking validation. On the positive side, validation can help boost our self-esteem and give us a sense of belonging. It can also help us feel more motivated to pursue our goals. However, there can also be negative consequences to seeking validation, such as becoming too reliant on the approval of others or feeling disappointed when we don't receive the validation we were hoping for.

Seeking validation from others is a common human tendency. We all want to feel loved and accepted, and so we look to others for reassurance. Unfortunately, this can often backfire.

When we seek validation from others, we are essentially giving them power over us. We are saying that their opinion of us matters more than our own. This can lead to a feeling of insecurity and low self-worth.

There are a few potential negative effects of seeking validation from others. First, it can lead to a dependence on the approval of others, which can be unhealthy and make it difficult to make decisions independently. Second, it can create feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, as well as a fear of rejection or criticism. Finally, it can also lead to a sense of entitlement, where we expect others to always agree with us or give us the positive reinforcement we crave.

One of the potential negative effects of seeking validation is that it can lead to a sense of entitlement. When we feel entitled, we expect others to treat us in a certain way and can become disappointed or even resentful when they don't. This can damage our relationships and make it difficult to find genuine connection. Additionally, seeking validation can also lead to a dependence on the approval of others, which can be detrimental to our self-esteem and sense of worthiness.

Validation Seeking Behavior

There are a few ways that we can seek validation. The most common way is through seeking approval, attention, or recognition. When we're seeking approval, we're essentially looking for positive feedback or praise from others. This can include asking people to confirm that we've done something right or trying to win their favour so that they will like us.

When we're seeking attention, we're essentially looking for attention or recognition from others. We may try to make ourselves the centre of attention, or we may try to get others to focus on us in some way. This can include talking about ourselves a lot or making our accomplishments known.

When we're seeking recognition, we're essentially looking for some kind of status or acknowledgement from others. We may try to elevate our status by putting ourselves in a position of power or influence, or we may try to win prestige and accolades for our achievements.

Final Thoughts

The Fact is We will never stop seeking validation from others. It's just impossible. Instead, seek validation for better reasons and from better people".

The following is what can be done to control our Mental Health;

  1. Control your emotions, through mediation, journaling and learning.
  2. If you going through a difficult period of life, feeling overwhelmed, anxious, slow down! Yes slow down.
  3. Talk to your family and confide with someone you trust.
  4. Choose a Mentor and get into accelerated learning.
  5. Gather Courage, start small acts, make mistakes and learn
  6. Your own gut feelings will give you the confidence in improving the choices you make in life. 
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Santosh Acharya is a Engineer, Technocrat turned on to Psychology Geek. He is a Proud Family Man, a Husband, a Parent to 2 adults, an obedient Son to my Parent, a Curious, Problem solver, Creator, Coffee Lover, Life-Long learner, Food Maker, Engineer, Psychologist, Marketer. His life took a sharp turn, when his mother asked him, "If you could rethink what you want to do with your life, what could it be." 

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